June 5, 2007 Silver Spring, Maryland, United States …. [Taashi Rowe]
Money, emotional unfaithfulness and a lack of communication ended one South African Seventh-day Adventist woman's 15-year marriage.
The woman, who asked her name not be used, says she wanted to work things out but her husband was adamant. He wanted to move on.
While statistics on the number of members who are divorced are not available, Willie Oliver, family ministries director for the Adventist Church in North America estimates that one in four church members go through divorce. He says he suspects the figure might be even higher.
Since the Adventist Church strongly emphasizes marriage, Oliver says it should therefore be responsible for helping couples maintain marriage through counseling programs and seminars.
Oliver says though divorce is sometimes inevitable, prevention is possible. He points to marriage conferences that he and his wife Elaine teach both for couples and for training pastors to lead the seminar in their own church. The conference, called “From This Day Forward,” equips couples with tools for improving their marriage.
While the conference is particularly helpful for those having serious marital problems, Oliver says it is also good for those who see no problems on the horizon. For some marriages he says the conference is like a tune-up for a car.
“You don't wait until the car breaks down to take it into the shop.”
Oliver says the “From This Day Forward” conference deals with some of the same issues the woman encountered in her own marriage. Adventists are not immune to such marital problems, he says.
“Adventist couples are part of this society and living in this society makes them vulnerable to the same problems as others.”
Although it might seem obvious, Oliver says one way to safeguard marriage is to be committed. Another way is to realize marriage is difficult.
“In marriage you have two different human beings who are both imperfect and they have the notions of perfection that could be problematic,” Oliver says. They need to be realistic and know there are going to be issues and know to manage differences.”
It is then that communication skills, which are taught at the conference, become crucial. “Many come with ideas to divorce but change their minds because they have gotten tools and they feel empowered to do something about saving their marriage,” he says.
Although Adventist-led seminars like “From This Day Forward” are not always available in many parts of the world, Oliver encourages churches to have their own enrichment seminars. He points to a DVD of the program that churches can use to set up their own seminars.
The woman in South Africa says a program like this may have helped her and her husband, both of whom kept their personal struggle to themselves.
“We felt no real connection with pastors, elders or church leaders to get them involved in our private matters. When feelings of guilt overwhelmed us, often church was the least comfortable place to be. God was there, but far more noticeable were the critics,” she says.
In some countries divorce is not as culturally acceptable. Marianne Aune, family ministries director for the church's Middle East region, says divorced women will often be without a house and an income, as no social benefit system will pick them up.
“There are probably some unhappy spouses trying to endure rather than risk social isolation, rejection and a future in poverty.”
Octofien N. Sumendap, family ministries director for the church in the Southern Asia-Pacific region adds another example: “In one of the tribes, husbands will never divorce the wife because of culture and custom. When the husband divorces the wife, no one would like to marry their children.”
Raisa Ostrovskaya, family ministries director for the church in the Euro-Asia region has seen a strong correlation between premarital counseling and rates of divorce.
She says over the last year in Kiev, Ukraine, “there were 50 couples who had come to a specialist for help. About half of those couples were close to divorce. After a course of consultation only four couples decided to divorce. But the rest stayed in their families.”
Oliver agrees pre-marital counseling is essential because “one couple not making it is just too many.”
The Olivers host an average of four conferences a year. The next seminar is September 22 in Denver, Colorado. For more information visit the Web site www.adventistfamilyministries.com.
Copyright (c) 2007 by Adventist News Network.
