‘We Need To Support Parents Whose Children Have Left the Church’

Anthony Kent calls on pastors and their spouses to pray, encourage, and show love to children who have gone astray.

September 9, 2024 | Cancun, Quintana Roo, Mexico | Libna Stevens, Inter-American Division News

“People leave the church from the best families, so let’s not judge or condemn anyone if their child leaves the church,” said pastor Anthony Kent, associate ministerial secretary of the General Conference, as he spoke during the first ministerial retreat held in Cancun, Mexico.

“We need to support parents whose children have left the church,” he said. It’s about praying for them and encouraging them, not criticizing, or condemning.

Kent told the story of when Ellen G. White, one of the co-founders of the Seventh-day Adventist Church, wrote letters to her son Edson, who would burn the letters. “She [Ellen] was close to her son’s wife and prayed with her, and eventually, after decades of being out of the church, Edson return to the church.”

Why do children leave the church? He asked. There are several reasons. The General Conference has done several surveys, and the number one reason is conflict, stated Kent. “People see conflict and people don’t want to get into a war when they go to church. They want to go to a peaceful place,” he explained.

Another reason people leave church is the perceived hypocrisy in the church, he said.

“Something very significant happening with the younger generation, particularly in the western world, is that for thousands of years the world has believed that certain things are wrong and sinful, and just in the last few years all of this has reversed,” said Kent.

For example, the church has believed, and the world largely believed, that homosexuality is sinful. And now the western world believes that Christians are sinners and homosexuals are pure and this has completely changed the thinking of the younger generation, he said.  “So our children have gotten different values, different principles, different beliefs. These are big differences in the church.”

Another issue that leads people to leave the church is when young people leave home and start their own independence. “In some parts of the world as many as 70 percent of our children leave the church at this time,” said Kent as he referenced a recent survey done in the North American Division.

One thing is for sure, he said, “each child is unique, and each child is precious, and Jesus has died for each child. We need to do all that we can so that each child knows that they are loved by Jesus Christ.”

Kent drew attention to the unhealthy responses when someone leaves church, which includes expressing anger. Pastors could get angry with their children when they leave the church because of the stigma and the shame of this happening.

A good reaction would be to look at the story of the prodigal son, said Kent. “The father was hurt but was never upset, the older brother was angry but the father was always loving. This is the model,” he said.

Forcing or shunning and isolating is not a good response, he said.

Kent shared healthy responses to use when an adult child is disconnected from the church:

• Express and demonstrate your love for them.
• Pray for them until your knees can’t take it anymore.
• Ask others to pray for them.
• Stay connected while maintaining regular and frequent communication.
• Plead with others to connect with them, like friends from church.
• Look for every opportunity to be with them, to visit them.
• Keep the “Welcome Mat” out and your mouth shut.
• Let them go and give them space.
• Only give guidance when asked.

Two important questions to ask children include: “How can I be a good parent to you now?” and “Help me to understand the things I need to apologize for?”

“It’s a painful conversation,” he said. “As a parent, as a pastor, it’s important to ask those questions. “Listen to their words, to their heart what their body language is, and never give up hope that Jesus will save your children. Pray without stopping and believe,” he said.

As the seminar ended, Kent led a special prayer for the hundreds of pastor’s wives in attendance.

Lady Julissa Oviedo, who leads as women’s ministries director and children’s and adolescent ministries at the South Pacific Mission, in the South Colombia Union, took notes during Kent’s seminar presentation.

“We have an urgent need to talk more about this in our churches because more and more parents who are leaders in our churches have children who are leaving the church,” said Oviedo. It’s clear that the mentality that adults and children have today is more liberal, she said. “As church leaders, we need to address and deepen this subject at our churches, share more how much love we need to have with our young people,” said Oviedo. The presentation tugged at her heart and reminded her of how carefully and prayerfully she needs to keep clear communication when reaching her youngest son who went astray, she said.  “It’s about showing them love always,” Oviedo said.

The shifts in generations have been very visible for Pastor Shelwin Willems, who is a pastor of three churches in Curacao and who will retire this month with 41 years of service. “We need to continue to work hard at better connecting with our young people in this generation who are living in this digital world and reach them just as Jesus reached people with love, with care, with many prayers,” said Willems. Willems, who did his doctoral thesis at Montemorelos University on the relationship between children and their commitment to the church, said if parents had better relationships with their adult children, they would think twice before going astray from the principles they were taught.

“We need to come together as a church to keep supporting parents and reaching so many of our young people who have left,” he added. “Our younger pastors who are more in tune to the newer generation are essential in helping bring young people closer to the feet of Jesus,” Willems said.