Acceptance Without Compromise

A loving response to an adult LGBTQ+ son

November 6, 2024 | Silver Spring, Maryland, United States | Peter N. Landless & Zeno L. Charles-Marcel for Adventist Review

To our surprise and dismay, a few months ago our youngest son, 26, announced that he identifies as a bisexual female. Our traditional Christian Thanksgiving weekend and dinner celebration with all our children and their families, our surviving parents, and our Thanksgiving “adoptees” is going to be awkward. Help!

As parents, we face a significant challenge when our children’s life choices conflict with our values and beliefs, especially for Christians regarding sexual orientation and gender identity. It’s natural to feel torn between love for your son and commitment to your faith.

While we can’t speculate on what led to his decision, most likely it wasn’t sudden. Your relationship with him and your family is at a critical juncture, and your approach can affect everyone. [From your nonprinted comments] you love your son but believe he’s made a morally incorrect choice. You want him to change without offending him or causing a nasty confrontation. Well, there’s hope: you can show love without compromising your values, disrespecting his choices, or disregarding his perception of reality. Remember, his decision probably stems from long-standing issues. How you handle this situation can impact your entire family dynamic.

There is far more to be said than this column can accommodate, but here is a place to start:

Pray. Prayer is your strongest tool as a Christian. Pray for your son’s safety, well-being, and spiritual journey. Examine your hearts, listen to the Holy Spirit, and let HIM make the changes in you that He deems necessary. Then express your biblical convictions gently but confidently.

Separate identity from behavior. Separate your son’s identity from his behavior. Remember, he’s defined not just by his sexual orientation or gender identity, but by who he is as a person—your son, and a child of God.

Be respectful. Respect his autonomy as an adult responsible for his own choices before God. You can’t control or change him, so focus on your relationship and entrust him to God’s care.

Lead with unconditional love. Most Christians believe that the typical LGBTQIA+ lifestyle is sinful. Jesus’ example? He spent time with sinners of all stripes, loving them without endorsing their behavior. Loving your son does not mean agreeing with his life choices or perceived reality. Remember, God’s love for us isn’t dependent on our behavior, and as parents your love should reflect that grace and compassion.

Keep open communication. Listening without condemning helps maintain trust and fosters understanding. Let your son (and the entire family) know that while you may have differences in beliefs, your relationship with him (them) is always open for honest conversation and connection.

Set boundaries with grace. Setting boundaries may be necessary in some situations, particularly if your child’s behavior openly contradicts your values within your home. However, these boundaries can be set with grace and respect without pushing your child away. Explain your expectations kindly, making sure they understand the reasons behind them, and offer alternatives for maintaining a healthy relationship.

Thanksgiving is not the time for shouting matches and family discord. Consider the return of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). Count your blessings and trust God to help you sort this out.