Why Purity Culture May Not Be the Answer to a Godly Sex Life
Presentation at Adventist Youth Congress in Europe suggests a novel approach.
September 11, 2026 | Valencia, Spain | Marcos Paseggi, Adventist Review
What’s wrong with Christians emphasizing the need of getting to your wedding night as a virgin? Is there a better Bible-based way of addressing the sexual challenges and ideals Christian people—especially teenagers and young adults—face? Where should our focus be?
A presentation at the 2026 European Adventist Youth Congress in Valencia, Spain, in August sought to discuss and answer these and other related questions. The presenter, Mary Jo Vollmer, is a researcher in forensic medicine at Oslo University Hospital and a professor at Loma Linda University. She is also a Seventh-day Adventist pastor’s daughter and a pastor’s wife.
Mary Jo Vollmer, a researcher in forensic medicine at Oslo University Hospital and a professor at Loma Linda University, presented at the 2026 European Adventist Youth Congress in Valencia, Spain. [Photo: Marcos Paseggi, Adventist Review]
“I was so troubled by how much I saw with teenagers and young adults and small children hurting, even from Christian backgrounds and from those who had grown up in the church,” Vollmer said, providing the rationale for her presentation.
Vollmer explained that if statistics are correct, in the group attending her presentation were certainly some people who had gone beyond proper sexual boundaries and now felt guilty, and others who perhaps were abused or had even been the perpetrators.
“My goal today is that whatever your past, we will leave shame-free and accepted just as we are,” she said, because “anxiety and shame are not from God.” At the same time, she called for young people to develop their own sexual ethics with God and perhaps in community with others. Finally, she reminded attendees to remember that even though they don’t need to be perfect, they need to be honest with themselves as part of a safe community in their quest to achieve sexual fulfillment as God intended it.
In Search of Quality and Connection
At the beginning of her presentation Vollmer acknowledged that many of those who grew up in the Adventist Church were told as children to do the right thing so that Jesus “would not be sad.” She suggested that many might have thought, We must be very careful not to give Jesus a bad day.
According to Vollmer, this might not be the right approach. “We are not responsible for Jesus’ feelings,” she said. “We don’t have to manage His emotions and our own. And if we make mistakes, we are not beyond His reach.”
Vollmer explained that “God meets us where we are, and in the context and culture in which we live.” God knows our current challenges and wants us to aim higher and be happy as we stay connected to Him.
Adventist young people from across Europe listen to Mary Jo Vollmer’s presentation titled, “Sex and Relationships Off the Rails.” [Photo: Marcos Paseggi, Adventist Review]
Vollmer reminded young attendees that, understandably, there’s a beautiful message in God’s ideal for each of us. But in the context of sexual purity, this message “is more beautiful than just ‘no sex before marriage,’ ” Vollmer said. “I think it’s saying: ‘What is the quality of your relationship with God, with friends, and finally, the quality of your sexual relationships?’ ”
A Sex Prosperity Gospel?
In that regard Vollmer reminded attendees that traditional Christian teaching talks about sex limited to the marriage relationship between a man and a woman. The idea is that “you will get married and then you will have blessings, and then you will have amazing sex for the rest of your life, many beautiful children, and you will live happily ever after. But it’s not always the reality,” she pointed out. “As Adventists we don’t endorse that, because we know that God gives the sun and rain on the good and the bad.”
Real-life challenges can lead to a lot of shame, Vollmer said. “What if you waited to have sex, and then in marriage it doesn’t go well?” She explained, “Many people who were virgins get divorced or have very unhappy marriages.” Then they ask themselves, “What did I do wrong?” At the same time, if a person has had sexual activity that they consider wrong, they will say, “That’s why!”
“To me, this model is dangerous no matter what happens,” Vollmer said, “because life and sexuality are much more complex than this.”
Research has shown that “purity culture” can sometimes turn sexual purity into an idol. Instead of viewing sexual choices as one aspect of Christian discipleship, people may begin to see their sexual status as connected to their worth before God. Vollmer pointed to the harmful message that if someone has sex before marriage, the person is somehow like “a rose that someone depetaled”—damaged and less beautiful. Many Christians, especially women, can internalize the idea that Jesus looks on them more favorably when they make the “right” sexual choices. As a result, virginity can become intertwined with their sense of beauty and worth, rather than being understood as simply one part of who they are and one aspect of what God desires for their lives.
An Easy Yoke?
Vollmer also explained that in the complex current world of dating apps and casual hookups, with the sharp increase of pornography use and sexually transmitted diseases even among Christians, the current challenges young people face can result in a lot of stress and anxiety.
One of the halls of the Valencia Fairgrounds in Valencia, Spain, where participants chose among scores of workshops on various topics relevant to young Christians. [Photo: Marcos Paseggi, Adventist Review]
She explained that “we grew up believing Jesus’ words when He said, ‘My yoke is easy and My burden is light.’ ” But, she added, “for a lot of Christians who have been either molested or in harmful relationships, or who are just trying to stay virgins, their yoke doesn’t feel easy, and the burden doesn’t feel light.” Vollmer shared the case of a young woman who even felt she needed therapy after all the stress and pressure to stay a virgin. What does all that mean? Where are the lines drawn? Am I still a virgin if I did this or that? the girl wondered.
The Wedding Night Is Not the Finish Line
At the same time, Vollmer quoted statistics that show that 18 percent of Christian married women felt used after sex. They also reported a 47-point orgasm gap (95 percent in men to 48 in women). Twice as many Christian women experience vaginismus as non-Christian ones, she added.
She also shared the story of a young couple who didn’t have sex before marriage, but that as soon as they got married the man began to make unreasonable demands on his young wife without caring for her feelings. “He would also be irritated with her all the time,” Vollmer shared. This led to an unhappy marital relationship, Vollmer explained, because “the number-one thing that kills desire, especially in women, is expectations.” It is the reason “Christian honeymoons can be a nightmare,” Vollmer acknowledged. Because “sex when one doesn’t feel loved, doesn’t feel desired, doesn’t feel cherished, can be very painful.”
Vollmer also shared the case of a 50-year-old man, married for 23 years, who decided to leave his marriage because he said he had never had good sex. He shared how he and his wife hadn’t had sex before marriage. But there was stress and arguing the day of the wedding, which led to insecurity. “The wedding night was a disaster,” the man confessed. They never completely recovered, and sex became infrequent. He now feels betrayed, and she feels betrayed.
Connected to God and Each Other
Is there a way out of this conundrum?
According to Vollmer, it might start by reminding ourselves that we serve a God who longs to connect to our bodies, our minds, and our souls. Keeping that connection alive will also help improve our relationship with each other, Vollmer emphasized. The opposite is also true, she added, as “fornication can happen in a marital context . . . when, for instance, we are just having sex disconnected from everything else.” She added, “I believe that everything that is wrong with premarital sex can be also true in a marital context.”
In this regard, it is essential for couples to ask themselves some questions. “Are we connected? Are we loving to each other? Do we respect each other?” Vollmer illustrated. Because God Himself planned for that connection to happen. And He tells us, “I don’t want your sacrifices; I want your heart. To me that speaks about quality and not just a checklist.” In that sense and within this context, “truly, deeply, committed, intimate, honest sex is perhaps the most complete culmination of that connection that humans can achieve.”
What Young People Can Do
In the last part of her presentation, Vollmer called young people—single or married—to develop their own sexual ethics together with God. “You need to define what your picture of God is and then [find out] how it connects with your life,” she said. “[Purity] is not an idol, is not defining me, and is not all who I am,” she illustrated. “And I don’t have to be perfect, because I will be probably making mistakes all my life.”
Again, she emphasized the need of staying connected to God no matter what and to keep going to Him in search of answers. “If you are feeling anxiety, burdens, guilt—they are not from God,” she reminded attendees. “So you can tell God, ‘If there is something that You feel is hurting me or others in my way of being, please impress me.’ And God will do it with a loving tap on your shoulder, not with guilt. It will be [through] a sermon, or a friend will say something, or you’ll read a book and get an idea. And you will say, ‘That’s beautiful; I want to move in that direction!’ ”
In short, Vollmer suggested, “create your own sexual ethics with the God who loves you, who lives today, and who understand your experience.” Because “when things seem to be falling apart, they might be actually falling into place,” she said. Indeed, “some of the biggest struggles you might have had, might also be part of the beginning of your healing.”